And…. so

It has been awhile since my last post on using shoe and purse dust bags for travel packing. While I do do this, and it’s super fantastic, I have been uninspired to write about travel or travel packing or even fashion of late.

And so, I am going rouge people!!!! I’m going to write about regular life today. Yawn, right? Well, most of our lives are regular in between fabulous vacations and weekend getaways. How do you spend your normal everyday life??

I used to spend mine happily planning my next adventure in my spare time. This gave me something to dream of and research and get excited for. Life was just something that happened inbetween trips. No more. And it’s been an eye opening situation.

I have a dog. Not just any dog, although all dogs are fantastic!😁 My dog is my child. My best friend. He saved me. I love Charley so much, I feel my heart will burst. I know so many of you feel this way about your special and unique fur baby.

I got my boo Charley almost 13 years ago during my first marriage. I had gone through years of intensive fertility treatment, had several miscarriages, then had (what my Dr and finally I believed to be) a good healthy pregnancy!!!! A miracle!!! I was closely monitored due to high risk. My numbers were great and going up. I felt healthy with the exception of excessive sleepiness. It took me a few months, then slowly I let my fears and anxiety fade away, allowed my joy and excitement wash over me, and began nesting. It was finally happening! Everything was beautiful and perfect with the world. I was going to be a mom!!!

And then “it” happened. The worst day of my life. The day that changed the trajectory of my entire life actually. It was a chilly morning. I woke very early because it was the day of the ultrasound. This was not my first, this was a scheduled follow up ultrasound after baby was too small or could not be located in the first. We were assured this time, for sure baby would be visabe. My stomach was cramping on one side (as it had been for a few days) and I was afraid again. Something felt off. As the appointment time grew near, I put on my cute new (not really needed yet) maternity top and pushed my worries away as best I could. Happy day Kim… happy day. Your just paranoid. Rubbed my belly, sang to baby as I got ready.  We were joyfully led to ultrasound room,quick change into gown, up to bed I went. I COULD NOT WAIT to see my baby!!!!! Nice chitter chatter with the technician, goo on, machine all set. Round and round she went, pushing, tilting, working that thing to find the itty bitty peanut inside of me.  Things got quiet. I glanced from the screen to her face. Trained no emotions showing but I saw the one thing that made my stomach drop… a slight downturn of one of her brows. No one spoke. Finally silence was broke,she smiled reassuringly and said “hold on here for just a sec, let’s try something else”. She left the room. Neither my ex or I said ONE word. Just sat in total silence. I still have no idea what he was thinking, but I was praying.  Hard.  Door opened.  Doctor walked in.  Technician behind him. Full room now.  Doctor mouth moving, ex husband mouth moving, I was hearing nothing. Just a buzzing sound. Technician took my hand gently in hers. Dr said words to me about a wand to try another way… I followed instructions. Turned my eyes back to monitor. Internal ultrasound began and seemed to never end.  My God,a room had never been so excruciatingly quiet!!!! At some unknown point my ex husbands hand had replaced the technicians in my cold hand. He squeezed slightly, I glanced up at him and I knew. Tears silently fell down my face. My pale, defeated face. No sounds. Just the deepest pain pouring out of my eyes. My baby was ectopic. In my fallopian tube. Alive yes. But in the wrong place. I was sent to the hospital for immediate surgery. I wanted to run away and pray for a miracle. Please God, move the baby to my uterus????🙏🏻 That was medically impossible. If I did not have the surgery both my baby and I would die.

After procrastination at my home pretending to pack for hospital, then making ex drive the long way and slow, I checked in for my surgery…. late. Both top notch surgeons were waiting for me. I begged them to move the baby and entire tube to my uterus…. not possible.  Begged to be a million percent sure. They were beyond kind. Did another last minute ultrasound. Did the hole above my belly button with tiny camera before commencing with a long and complicated heartbreaking procedure.  They had to work very hard to preserve my fallopian tube because my other one was not functional (part of my fertility issue). I also had to undergo a form of chemotherapy  after I was released from the hospital (Because they did not remove tube, cells were continuing to grow post surgery). It was impossibly devastating.

I woke in recovery feeling overwhelmed by an emptiness. I knew deep down I was done.  I would never try again.  The loss was just too much for me as a person. If it happened naturally, ok. But I was done creating life, only to mourn death. It was wrong and I just could not. I kept this to myself. My ex husband desperately wanted biological children. Unfair of me to admit to him, and procrastinate instead??? Absolutely. 💔  I was too afraid, lost, broken, and cowardly.

Approximately two months after the worst day of my life (up until that time of my life), I was still maternal and nesting and pretty much a mom who needed a baby.  He talked me into going to dinner. After dinner we walked around a mall. Walked into a pet store…. and there he was!!!!! In a cage bigger than the rest, with a big %50 off sign???!!!😢 A chocolate lab baby. We made eye contact and my heart skipped a beat. That lone, older than the other “full priced” puppy WAS leaving that cage with me right there and then. I was not leaving without him. Period. Guess who became my son? That’s right…. Charley❤️

He saved me. As I mentioned. Truly saved me. He was the light of my life and still is.

And that is where I am. My baby Charley is old. He has health issues. He is needy.  And I cannot leave him. That puppy is a beautiful senior dog now.  And he needs us.

I am happily remarried to the most wonderful man on the planet. He is my best friend and my soulmate. And he is the most loving caring daddy to Charley!!!!❤️  I have two incredible step children that I love with all my heart. We ALL dote on our grandpa pup Charley.  He is the center of our family.

About a year and a half ago, Dave and I came to the conclusion that we can no longer leave Charley to vacation.  One of us MUST be home…. period.  Everything is very different now. Pain management, what when and how he eats, meds, etc. These are his golden years, and he can be quite the cranky old man! Lol. But just as loving and sweet as ever. Mentally all there👍🏻

And so…… planning trips in between trips??? Not happening.  Do I resent this? NO WAY!!! Our sweet boo baby comes first. If something were to happen to my boy while away??? I cannot even imagine.

But this has brought about a realization.  I was not really living much in my ordinary everyday life.  It was just time in between each new travel adventure.

I wish I could conclude by proclaiming I have figured out a cool new way to live my everyday life? This is something I am still working on. I plan on continuous soul searching until I figure it out. 😃   Hey, I have a great life and am very blessed. My everyday life does NOT suck by a long shot. I just feel that living life between travel should not be “living life between travel”? Do you feel me?

Peace and Love

Kim

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